kim_berli

on monday (i think) brian & i went to spencer's house &they started talkin about august 11th which is the randy rogers concert already a sore subject cuz i really really wanted to go to that with brian but no i will be out of town. anyways the 11th is also alan's birthday and he says quote "lets screw the concert and go to my house and get wasted" i was kinda paranoid and worried ab it cuz i definetly don't want brian to go out drinkin ESPECIALLY when i'm out of town! so when we were alone i made him promise me that he wouldn't, he looked kinda annoyed @ first but he said he wouldn't. but NOW i just got this message on myspace from alan..

kim let brian hang out with us on my birthday and let him drink. its going to be just us guys hanging out. i know he wont drink unless its ok with you cause he really cares for you but let him chill with us. if it was taking time away from you i could understand but you will be out of town c'mon kimberli be a g and let him get wasted.

i cant believe i just wrote a paragraph asking for someone to get wasted. WOW!

..umm now i'm kinda freakin out i guess brian told them that i wouldn't let him. & this just worries me cuz i know brian doesn't do well under pressure & he prolly will end up hanging out with them i just wish there was something else he could do.

& i'm 99% sure alan is lying about the "just guys" thing.

arrrgg

So we'll have been dating for 8 months on August 24th. It may seem like a long time but in reality it's not. & that scares me becuase i'm already dissastisfied with our relationship. While you may be thinkin we are all good and well it's kinda suckin' over here.

This summer has been so weird for us. First off we both have jobs so our time to see each other is limited
then you try and make me jealous (& i'm not sure why because usually people only do that when they are insecure in their relationships & i can't think of one thing i've done to ever ever make you feel insecure.) You did everything to make me feel that way. (& you admit to it!) You told me all about all the hot girls at your work. especially Linda everytime we talked it was "linda drove my truck today..are you mad?" "man you should have seen what Linda was wearing today" "i compared you and Linda today" man i still get mad thinkin ab it. So we have a jealousy factor in our relationship now & i really really really hate being jealous. Plus Megan has told you before that i'm already an insecure person & i think i've told you that before.


screw this.

Lately it seems like you don't care about me as much as you used too.
1. you used to ALWAYS without fail be in contact with. we were either on the phone or you were texting me (you used to even text me @ your golf tournaments when it was grounds for disqualification..meaning you put me before golf.) now i'm lucky if i get a text besides our goodnight one. why? you say "im a busy man @ work" BULLSHIT! i've been @ your work before & the only thing i've seen is guys sittin' around. so explain that. just something to let me know your thinkin about me would be nice.
2.all you ever wanna do is mess around with me. you get off work your exhausted so we go to my room or to the couch and mess around. doing that every once in awhile is cool but as much as we do it, it starts to feel like it's the only thing you want from me.
3. you always wanted to be around me, you would come over before you had golf practice, or you would come over on days you didn't and we would do our h.w together. now you have ditched me twice to go play golf in the past month. once with your dad when you led me to belive you would come over when you were done mowing & instead i find out your @ the golf course with your dad. the second time being when i asked you to come over after i was done @ the dentist & i told you i was done & i don't hear from you until 2 hours later and what do you know your @ the golf course *shocker* so now i'm second to golf. & maybe third to friends cuz i bet you 100$ dollars if 3 months ago i said i didn't want to go out with your friends you would have stayed with me..

So what's up Brian? what did i do & how can i make it better? cuz if this is how it's going to be next year..then i don't want anything to do with it.. i'm sure i could find a guy who doesn't roll his eyes when his parents tell him to open my door for me. you need to get your priorites in line & if i'm not that important to you anymore then let me know & don't put bullshit on me agian. & to think i'm jeapordizing a relationship with the person who has been there for me my entire life & always will be & would do anything for me.. for this?? it ain't worth it, not one bit. so think long and hard what you want from me then you need to tell me straight up and don't say "your number one kim" & then do crap to me that makes it hard to believe that. say what you mean and mean what you say. I'm a very very big believer in that people will do what's important to them, so if i'm important to you.. your not showing it.

"home is where you hang your hat babes! i know what u mean though in terms of "home". Sometimes I wonder where mine is. i lived with my mom but then i lived with my sister. my sister died when i was a senior in high school so i moved back. where's home? then i moved to NC after college....and been here for awhile and my mom and step-dad retired to Arizona. so where is "home", ya know? I honestly have no clue. I think, to me, home is wherever you most find your solace. for me, home is my best friend tammy's mom's house. that's home to me now. i can't say that my parent's place in AZ is home cos i've never lived there. so.....to me, home is wherever you feel that u can find your solace.

however, if i was in your shoes, i'd find home in San Antonio....i'd LOVE to live there and have thought about moving there more than a few times.

to me, sounds like home will be with your family wherever they are but you also found it at Brian's house. but that's just me...."

..so this made me think. I was thinkin "no no no home could never be in San Antone" when i read this, so obviously I always knew where home was just didn't wanna say it. Home is with my dad and my sister. I love my mom & my step dad i tolerate but i would never chose to live with them..ever. You know it's so weird cuz i remember feeling upset when i went to my mom's house when i was little, but i never understood why, sitting here though i'm realizing that even as a lil kid i could sense that something was wrong over there...I was walking on egg shells without even realizing it. @ my dad's though he has always been there for me & my sister & brother! And Rhian's right I do find home @ Brian's house, Megan's also. I remember when I would go to church with her family her parents would always kiss me & i would think this is kinda weird but it makes me feel so loved and important. It's awesome going from thinkin "i'm not sure where to call home"..you find out that you have home in more than one place =).

Moving on.. I'm not going to "jack camp" anymore. I Was really lookin forward too it,but i knew the right descsion was to go to Ohio. It pisses me off though that my dad plans this whole thing with his cousin who lives in florida for everyone to meet in youngstown and hold a memorial for my grandma,and half the people can't go. I know people are busy but people will do what's important to them and MY dads brothers and sisters can't seem to make it out there for their only parent that they hads "funeral" what did i expect though? Dad and Paul did everything for her and she did next to nothing for them, while she did everything for Tish and David and they don't give a crap about her. ironic huh? & ireally wanted to see Tish again she's so crazzy & i just wanted to see what she's like..; it's weird that i care about her, or my grandma she beat me for Heaven's sakes and i was the only one who would cry when we went to visit her. BLLAAA. I'm makin a vow right now that i will make sure my family never ends up like how my dad's family is right now. Never.
Thinkin that i can't go to camp brings up more issues.. we paid 150$ can we get a refund?or can i go to a diff. session? Cuz if not i know my step dad will pitch a huge ass fit "i paid for you to go this and now your dad's not letting you" freakin physco ass will think that too. my dad told me to tell him if we can't get a refund and he wants the money he can't be a pussy and he has to ask him face to face for it. GREAT. i wonder who will kill who first. HAH. You know if there is one major thing that i'm lookin forward too about college it's getting away from the step dad. Honestly can't wait to not deal with his bullshit every other day..poor Melissa though. I told her if there's one piece of advice i can give her it's that she's amazing and doesn't deserve to feel like shit when she goes over there so if they push her too much just to move the fuck out! HAh. My rant for today.. I feel alot better!

well the correct wording was "your girlfriend isn't very friendly" & spencer said he heard her say i was a "bitch" HMM and it wasn't even because what i said to her was smartass-y it was because i didn't look her in they eye...HA! what's strange to me is i met this girl Melanie that also works with them & this girl isn't friendly @ all! but did i say anything to anyone about it? NO. So why did she tell MY BOYFRIEND that? does she want me to know? or does she think he wouldn't tell me? I kinda feel like a little kid, but this is annoying the crap out of me. PLus it doesn't even seem like Brian is takin my side not that he should but he's known this girl for like 2 months and he's like "you know what you did to her"! well i think i'm just going to let it run it's course.

Anyhow..tonight was fun we ate @ brian's house & then played these truth or dare cards with his mom/dad aunt/uncle & his neighbors.he has the perfect family ::sigh:: it was alot of fun though! & it almost felt like how it does when we go to my aunt's house..almost.

also this morning my mom said my step dad got offered a job @ Valero & if he takes it they will have to move to san antonio. i'm not sure how i feel about this though.. mom& dad have been divorced since i can remember but they have always lived within 10 miles of each other. My brother will be in the marines i will be @ college & my sister will for sure stay in houston, but it just complicates things like when i come home for the holidays.. where's home? in san an. or in houston? but @ the same time the stommel side of the family is poison & life would be less dramatic without them here..

woohoo! i got my own laptop..so now i can finally journal online without being worried ab the family readin my stuff (not that i don't love them)!

So yesterday started out as a REALLY good day! first i woke up early & i went to splashtown with Teen Camp! It was so much fun & just made me realize even more how much i wanna be a counselor next year..screw lifeguarding even though its a blast! The kids had to be back by 4:30 so we had to leave around 3 cuz you know no one is ever on time .. we waited for like 30 minutes for the stupid boys! Well I loved the kids & Paul the director told me to tell dave as a joke i wanted to be a counselor next year cuz he knew it would piss him off, i didn't do it though cuz i really do wanna be one! HAHA! i got a bit of a sun burn but it's all good. The counselor i was paired with went to Stephen F. Austin & she said she LOVED it so i'm even more excited!!

Well Brian picked me up around 4:30 and we went back to my house..he watched some chase on tv while i showered and what not. Then we just hung out 4 a bit and went to his house so he could change. Originally what was planned was a double date with Gina & Spencer (we were tryin to hook them up..but it's a no go now!) well Spencer changed his mind cuz he now is involved with some other girl..whatever. What ended up happening was so much better!! Brian and I went to Barton Springs Grill..where Brian Burke was playing ( I HAD NO IDEA!!) & i LOVE brian burke =)! Brian S. bought me his demo..YESS! the wait was kinda long but totally worth it we sat in the lobby and listened to him play & just relaxed and i was so happy cuz it was perfect! We also ran into Taddy & Chris it was cool to see them cuz Taddy is pregnent with a lil girl & i got to see her belly!! unfortunelty her other kids weren't there they are visting their dad for the whole month of july!! YIKES! We ate and the food was SOOo good. Kinda expensive for my 18 year old budget but totally worth it! Well we went to Jamba Juice after that cuz Brian had a coupon and he had never been..my drink was okay. Then we had to go back to Brian's house cuz he forgot the EZ TAG.

After all that we were finally on our way to Sam Houston Race Track! Roger Creager was playing & he rocks! We ran into soo many people & we were just mingling the whole night totally fun! Now it starts to go downhill. I'm forced to meet this girl L.. I knew it was coming.. it just sucks! well she's like "so nice to meet you Bla Bla" well she didn't really talk to us most of the night, but she comes back over and is like "what school do you go to?" I definetly wasn't trying to be rude or a smartass i was saying the truth.. "I Don't" ( I DONT go to school..i graduated from h.s and i will go to school in the fall..right now i don't take any classes.) she says "oh" i'm like "I graduated" "oh okay..so your taking a year off" "No i'm going to SFA in the fall" "okcool" end of convo. I didn't really think anything of it but brian's like "you don't?" like i was rude or something.. i just told him not to talk ab it. I felt kinda bad after like..it was kinda short/rude.. but if she woulda said "what college are you going to go to?" i would have told her plain and simple.

Now i just get a call from Brian and he's like how rude is this "I asked L if she had fun last night and she said yeah did you and i said i did and she said your girlfriend isn't very nice" WTH.. man oh man.. i'm not nice. I'm very nice, and she shouldn't have asked such a stupid question. PLUS she is the one who has no respect for me. I know tons of guys who have girlfriends..i don't flirt wtih them EVER because i have enough respect for their girlfriends (even the ones i dont know) to know that would hurt their feelings & it's a wrong thing to do. Well she doesn't she just flirts away like Brian isn't attached..how do i know this?? HE TOLD ME. so ugh.. I AM nice! and i feel bad that she thinks i'm rude, but i don't really like her @ all!! This is my frustrations for right now..i don't even know what to do. apologize for being rude to a girl that's practically a stranger??